Tuesday, August 31, 2004

 

Back to snarkiness

I saw Natalie Portman walking around town recently and her head is larger than I suspected. Also, I think she was high. She was laughing too often and she was talking very quietly and then all of a sudden she would start screaming. The meathead with her looked pretty bored. Just like you do when you're sober and your friends are fucked up.

Sorry, you wouldn't know about being sober would you?

However, there's no mention of her possible drug habit here.
 

Jailbird Pt. VI

We were arrested at about 9PM. I was lucky and got out at about 10AM.

JEG and all the others were taken to the real jail downtown. She didn't get out until about 1AM Sunday. They charged most everyone with disorderly conduct, but issued them ACDs. As long as you don't get arrested in New York in the next six months it doesn't go on your record and you don't pay fines. That's good.

This is better though, now JEG has a mug shot. If she gets a copy I'll post it.

In my experience the cops were generally nice and fairly polite. In fact, when they realized that we weren't protesting, most of them thought it was pretty stupid that we were arrested. I didn't see any abuse, but there were probably isolated incidents committed by both sides.

Here's someone that seems to have had a very different experience. I've got to point out again that I was very lucky and didn't have to go the actual jail and was never even technically arrested. So, it's probably fitting that I'm not as unhappy as she is. Though, since her site is called Miserychick you have to wonder how happy she could be about anything.

The Critical Mass arrests were really just a practice run for the police. They wanted to see if the system would run smoothly before the big protests started. We got ambushed and they found out their system wasn't so smooth.



 

Jailbird Pt. V

They moved us into one of those scary Department of Corrections busses after about an hour of sitting in the van. They put all the guys in the back of the bus and the girls, in pairs, went into cages in the front that looked like they might have been taken off of a fair ride. JEG and another girl were directly in front of me. Riviera came through again.

Then we started to wind our way through the city. They were taking us to Pier 57 where the police have constructed a temporary, giant holding tank for protestors. All I could think about was that scene from The Fugitive.

We drove inside a giant building and they let us off the bus. We stood around and waited for our arresting officers to claim us. Your arresting officer has to do all the paperwork on you. They have to make sure all of your belongings are accounted for, etc.

Riviera was the first cop to come over and he made sort of a big production about calling my name. I talked to him for a moment and he took off again. Then he came over and told me the paperwork was rolling and that I would be on my way in no time. Then he left.

Everyone else's arresting officers came and got them. I was still waiting for Riviera to come back and claim me, but he never did. After a little while they put me into a huge pen by myself. There was razor wire around the top of the fence, two locked entrances and a gaurd. I got bored and tried to sleep on a bench.

An hour or so later, Riviera was still a no show. Two or three cops came over to me and started my paperwork, but nobody ever finished it. They moved me to a pen with 30 or 40 other guys. It was crowded and I had to sit on the floor and it was covered in oil. The building used to be a transit depot. I missed my bench. I talked to a friend for a bit. Then they moved me into another pen.

More cops started to work on my papers, but they didn't finish them either. Then they moved me back to my original private pen. There was another guy there too, a diabetic with an insulin pump who reminded me of Woody Allen. They brought us little boxes of cereal and a carton of milk for breakfast. Then they moved me to the pen I'd just come from.

I laid down and slept as much as I could. Then a young cop called my name. They pulled me out of the cell and the young cop said the city decided not to press charges against me. He didn't know why, but they were letting me go. I did know why - Riviera split and he did it on purpose.

Most people (JEG included) weren't so lucky.
 

Jailbird Pt. IV


Randor
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
"What are you protesting anyway? Because, I don't think it's very obvious to anyone what you're mad about," that's what Riviera was aking when I saw JEG.

"We're not protesting anything. My girlfriend (Ed - she's not your girlfriend. Yeah, but I thought it might garner some sympathy in the situation.) and I were just on a bike ride. It happens every month."

"Really? This must suck pretty bad then."

"Mmm, yeah. It does."

Riviera led me over to JEG and made sure that we were kept together for as long as possible. He even asked one of the commanding officers to help him make sure we were allowed to be transported together.

One cop's job was to take three Polaroids of each person and the cop that took them into custody. That part was pretty surreal. I wasn't sure if I should smile or not. So, in the end I tried to have a different expression in each of the photos.

I smiled for the first, looked stern for the second and stared as blankly as possible in the third. Actually, that ended up being a pretty good metaphor for my night in custody.

By this time, the cops and all of us perps were starting to relax. They put me into a van with JEG and about four or five other people and Riviera got in too.

We joked and asked questions and tried not to let our hands go numb from the Flexicuffs.

They put all of our belongings into plastic garbage bags and loaded our bikes onto trucks. That's JEG's bike getting taken away in the photo.

The photo is from super-lib siteIndyMedia.

 

Jailbird Pt. III

JEG and me were just standing there with everyone else, not really knowing what to do. We were in front of St. Mark's church and apparently there was going to be an anti-GOP rally there. Some people were climbing the church's fence, but most of us were simply stuck on the street. There were too many people to move.

Although, even if I could have gotten to the fence, I wasn't going to be attending any rallies thank you very much.

That's when we started to notice a line of cops moving through the crowded sidewalk. They were lining up around the block and boxing us in. That's never a good sign. Everyone was trying to get to the sidewalk (for some reason, it seemed like the place to go) but the street was just too crowded and I think we were all afraid of starting a stampede.

That's about when a couple to my right both got arrested. While I was watching that, I felt a gentle tug on my left arm. I'd been nabbbed and was being led away before I knew what was going on.

JEG yelled to me, but I just tried to smile. I didn't yell back because I was too busy straining to hear what the cop was mumbling to me through his riot helmet's visor. I never was able to figure it out.

The first thing I actually heard Officer Riviera* say was "I'm going to be a gentleman to you as long as you're a gentleman to me." For some reason, that rmade me really like him. I think it was his choice of the word "gentleman," it just struck me as so oddly formal. I told him that I wasn't going to be trouble and that I didn't (don't) have a problem with the police. After all, they're just doing a job.

While we were having our lovely little talk he was busy strapping a set of those plastic Flexicuffs on me. It's a misnomer, they're not flexible at all, but better than real cuffs I was told repeatedly that night. People were having those things slapped on them all around me. He started leading me to where all the other detainees were being kept near the police vans and busses,

Then I saw JEG. At least I wasn't going to be spending the night in jail alone.

Riviera* isn't his real name. You'll find out why I'm not using his name in a few moments.
 

Jailbird Pt. II


Times Square Again
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
So we were riding all over the city and things were going really well. The police were helping block traffic and with every block more and more pedestrians were stopping and cheering all the crazies on bikes.

Then somewhere in the Lower East Side things started to get weird. The numbers of cops started growing and I started to get a little uneasy. But, things had been going fine and the ride was almost over so I didn't worry that much. I should have.

We made it a few more blocks and the ride stopped. It just stopped and everyone got off their bikes and stood around in the street for a few minutes.

That was a mistake.

This photo came from super-lib site IndyMedia.

 

Jailbird Pt. I


Times Square
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
Once a month there's a huge bike ride in the city called Critical Mass. It's always the last Friday of the month. Which put this ride on the eve of the Republican Convention.

That meant thousands of people were going to be there, on top of the thousands who normally show up. I'd never ridden in one before, so it seemed like a good time to go.

But, it's not a political protest. It's more of a pro-bike parade. People build ridiculously tall bikes, others are dressed like weird avengers in pajamas and sometimes a little kid will cruise by with his mom. There's definitely an overlap of ideas when it comes to protesters (I'm pretty sure I saw a few of the dreaded Anarchists that night) and Critical Mass riders. But, I think all sorts of people ride in the event. Fuck, I'm not a protester and I was there.

It was pretty amazing riding through Times Square with something like 7,000 other bicyclists. It was also amazing to ride through Columbus Circle with no cars. It wasn't amazing to spend 12 or 13 hours in a filthy jail.

This was taken during our ride through Times Square. The photo is from super-lib site IndyMedia.

 

Here it comes

The next post is going to be long, so I'm going to break it up into smaller bits. Enjoy yourselves at my expense.

Monday, August 30, 2004

 

Obviously they're voting for Nader

I didn't see the MTV VMAs last night (I was too busy crying about this wreck that I call a life) but apparently only Nader fans were allowed in the building.
"John Kerry’s daughters were thrown off by a round of boos. The Bush twins were booed too, but couldn’t hear them because they appeared via satellite."

Here's a roundup.
 

Please, not the Punto

I'm going to Europe with a friend in December and we'll be renting a car. I'm sure we'll end up with the beautifully engineered Fiat Punto.This is for anyone who has ever had to cram their belongings into one of these tiny beasts.

Dev, Patrick, Juan - I hope you're reading.
 

Worst week in the world

i haven't been blogged in about a week. I'm sorry, but this has been the worst week ever. I'll write about it a little bit later and then you can all laugh.

Thursday, August 26, 2004

 

Evil is on its way

Never have two more evil men shared the spotlight.
 

Staying handsome


Staying handsome
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
Sure, this might look a little silly. But if I want to bag myself a sexy Republican woman, I think I need to look my best. If that means wearing a mudmask to keep my skin young and tight, well then, so be it.

 

It's already started

The protests against the Republican National Convention have already started.

No matter what you think about the protesters, you can't accuse them of being procrastinators.
 

I'm cheap

Wired has a story about an advertising company paying bloggers to run advetorials. Here's the teaser...
"A new service wants to match up popular bloggers with marketers to create the online equivalent of magazine 'advertorials.' Some worry it would bring blogs' integrity into question."

Gentlemen, please email me a dollar figure. I'm not a "popular blogger" but I don't have any of that messy "integrity" to worry about either. I'm serious; just ask my Mom.
 

You've seen it, don't lie to me

Somebody sent IMWT an email saying they'd never seen the lame MTV show Room Raiders and, therefore, didn't get the joke. You weren't missing anything because the joke wasn't funny. But, I find it unlikely that a regular reader of this blog wouldn't be familiar with this particular piece of crap. Here's the lowdown...
"Room Raiders puts a new twist on the dating show where contestants choose a date by raiding the bedrooms of three unsuspecting singles."

The best part is when they use a blacklight to see if there's any jizz on your sheets. Classy.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

 

Worst ever

I'm going to post the biggest mistake a house sitter can make tomorrow. My mistake is still too fresh to write.
 

Too much television

The house I'm sitting has cable. I'm watching waaay too much TV. Here's a list of some of the shows I've watched recently. I will also provide a synopsis of 15 words or less.

1. Showgirls - Jessie Spano is naked and tells people she's not a whore. The evidence shows otherwise.

2. Six Feet Under - Everone's lives are falling apart.

3. NBC's Olympic Coverage - Some people lose medals. They cry. Some people win medals. They also cry.

4. Insomniac with Dave Atell - He's still an alcoholic. A cop gave him a breathalyzer.

5. Da Ali G Show - He makes fun of old people.

6. MSNBC, Fox, CNN and PBS - The world is going to hell.

7. Dress for Less - Two styless women buy designer knock-offs. Their boobs look bigger in the new outfits.

8. The Gilmore Girls - According to the previews for next season, Rory is a whore.

9. Room Raiders - Guys who probably enjoy the AWOL touch dirty panties.
 

Maybe Michael Moore was right

Michael Moore got into a lot of trouble by saying American's were the dumbest people in the world. Maybe he was right. Here's an excerpt from a story about Christina Aguilera from Jane...
"Next up is a room filled with large, floating, silver, rectangular balloons. We bat them around, then move along past plywood replicas of Heinz ketchup grocery cartons. 'What do you think of Teresa Heinz Kerry?' I ask about the heiress, feminist and (cross your fingers) next first lady, who not only has been all over countless newspapers, but used to be married to Senator John Heinz III until he died in a plane crash in 1991.

'I'm sorry?'

'John Kerry's wife. I think she's also from Pittsburgh.'

'Is she?'

'Yeah, she's supposed to be pretty cool.'

'I feel like if you're not in sports, you're kind of invisible in Pittsburgh,' she answers. 'I didn't even know this museum was here before. And this is Andy Warhol.'

'What woman to you think would make a good president?'

'Interesting question...Well, I'll run,' she says, laughing."

You have to be kidding me.
 

Tobasco torture

Have you ever heard of "hot saucing"? Yeah, me either.
"(Lisa) Whelchel says she would have never used hot sauce to discipline her three children if it caused lasting damage. The actress-turned-home-schooling mom suggests using just a dab of hot sauce, placing it on your finger, then touching your finger to the child's tongue."

Does the name Lisa Whelchel sound familiar? How about Blair from TV's Facts of Life? That's right millions of people are taking their parenting advice from fucking Blair.

Can't you just imagine in like 30 years when hot saucing is just one more creepy sexual fetish?
 

I'm house sitting

There haven't been any posts lately because I'm house sitting for some friends. I'm hungry, but I can't make anything because their stove quit working. In a few minutes though, I'll post about the big problem.

Friday, August 20, 2004

 

Damn

Blogger won't let me create links anymore for some reason.
 

Good night

I'm off to have a pyschadelic freak out while I watch Pink Floyd - Live at Pompeii at a friend's house. That's right, in 1974 someone paid a kajillion dollars to have Pink Floyd shoot a concert film atop the ruins of Pompeii. And they weren't playing to anyone except themselves...which, I guess, means it wasn't really a concert.
 

Beating the big boys

IMWT is proud to announce that it beat an actual paid blogger to a story. Our groundbreaking story about that stupid AWOL machine obviously got people talking. The Corner had it an hour after I did, which was about an hour after I heard about it on the radio. Here's the post from The Corner...
"Here's news about an exciting new development - a machine that allows drinkers to inhale liquor instead of drinking it. And why not? I remember once (courtesy of a Finnish company that was celebrating some anniversary or other) ingesting vodka via an aerosol can. You sprayed the vodka onto the roof of your mouth. The results were good, and the knowledge that the aerosol was tearing the ozone to shreds only added to the merriment.

But for those who want to inhale their alcohol, there is a threat on the horizon, one Andrew Spano, 'county executive' of Westchester County, NY, a Democrat. He wants a ban on this technology. The rationale (oh, come on, you know what it's going to be) for this grotesque bit of nannying?

He worries it will attract underage drinkers.

Yup, yet again, 'The Children.'"

 

JEG and me


JEG and Me
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
I went into the city with JEG yesterday and we took this righ tbefore we left Brooklyn. This picture is deceiving for two reasons. First, she's pretty tall, almost the same height as me - almost. Secondly, it looks as if I'm balding and have greasy hair. I assure you I'm not balding, but I probably do have greasy hair.

Doesn't she look like some tiny-nosed cast member of Charlie's Angels with those glasses on? I don't know if that's good or bad.

 

Silly songs

The guy that runs this website called Songs to Wear Pants to just makes up songs about stuff that people send him. Like a rap about dinosaurs, or your own theme song or toenails.

Here's an example of the emails they get...
"make a really fast rap about dinosaurs... with a outragous BMP."

 

More jerks


awolnew
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
1 bottle of vodka + 1 VIP pass + 3 vibrators + 2 bikini models = best spring break ever.

Senor Frog, watch out!

 

For douche bags only


Jerks in Florida
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
So this is apparently a big deal. Those vibrator-looking things those dudes are sucking on are actually part of a thing called AWOL (Alcohol With Out Liquid). Clever name, guys.

Through the miracle of science this machine seperates the booze from the liquid. Then you inhale the booze. Big deal.

This is from their website...
"The AWOL Vaporizer has a built-in safety device because it takes about 20 minutes to inhale one vaporizer shot of alcohol. It is not something people are going to get very drunk on."

Um, excuse me? I can do like 30 shots and embarass myself by hitting on the waitress in 20 minutes. You also have to pay $10 plus the cost of the shot. In NYC, that equals about a million dollars.

What kind of douche bags would do that? Oh, sorry, I just looked at the picture again.

P.S. The pictures are from their website.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

 

Finally

Guys, I'm doing all the work for you. Vice finally put up the new Dos and Don'ts on their website. Fucking finally.
 

It just won't stop

New Jersey is now officially the craziest state. Joe Piscopo might run for governor. Journalists in New Jersey must be wondering when this beatifully hilarious dream will end. Here's the link. Here's the money quote...
"The comic confirms that 'some prominent business guys' are trying to persuade him to run for the disgraced governor's seat."

"Prominent business guys..." That's so funny I don't even have to make a joke.

Link via Gawker.
 

I love New Jersey

I'm sure that you've heard about New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey's announcement that he is gay, was having an affair with an employee, etc.

Did you hear about this? Charles Kushner, McGreevey's biggest donor, was convicted of the most insane crime ever.
"Kushner admitted to personally recruiting a hooker, whom he paid $10,000 to seduce a witness - his brother in-law - in the tax fraud case, hiring a private detective to film their motel room tryst and then mailing tapes of the encounter to his sister in retaliation for her and her husband's cooperation with the investigation."


 

Grown up geeks

If you're interested in joining my Hobbitcore band. Then you, dear reader, are a geek - a big, fucking geek. You probably haven't ever tasted the sweet love of a woman. But, you probably do know that Dungeons and Dragons turns 30 this year. Listen to this NPR story. It will make you feel better, nerd. Oh, and give me your lunch money before you go.
 

My friend

I've been up since 4am. I'm finishing a story and am woefully behind schedule. I've had too much coffee and too many cigarettes. I feel terrible. But not as bad as my friend did the other night.
"i ate around 12:30pm or so and started drinkin around 4:00pm and didn't stop till 4:00am. somewhere around 1:00 am i started to develop a headache. headache? no, it was more like blinding, crushing, life ending, head trauma sweetly delivered to me by Bacchus himself, reminding me that i am merely a mortal. why would he do such a thing? do i not revel daily? do i not quench my thirst thoroughly by consuming all makes and brands of alcohol? if he were to create an army of drunks would i not at least hold some sort of rank befitting a gentleman?"

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

 

A few facts

Here are some things about me that I would never tell you in person. If we see each other out (maybe at a bar or in the lobby of a movie theater) please don't bring these things up. I would feel awkward.
1. A girl I went out with told me that the color of my eyes was dull. I briefly considered getting those tinted contacts.

2. When I was 16 a middle-aged woman in a low-cut shirt held my hands and told me they were the hands of an artist. I blushed. I should have told her that was corny. Then had sex with her.

3. I read surprisingly little for a writer.

4. I smoked a cigarette for the first time when I was 17 (maybe I was 16). I didn't like it because I thought I looked effeminate. A year or two later I was smoking a pack and a half a day. Suddenly I looked cool.

5. My grandmother refused to buy me He-Man toys because she thought they were evil. She's a Pentecostal.

6. I'm 26 and I have three gray chest hairs.

7. I used to sleep walk. On separate occasions I tried to pee on a Christmas tree and walked just less than a mile on a gravel road while barefoot.

8. The first breast I touched belonged to a girl who, as a high school student, became pregnant with a married man's child. He wasn't married to her.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

 

Ali again

Here's more video from Ali G's show.
 

Ali Genuis

I'm poor so I don't have cable. I'm stuck watching the crappy regular channels. I have to listen to everybody talk about how funny Ali G's HBO show is. For poor people everywhere, here he is leading anti-semitic country music fans in a rousing sing-along. Oh yeah, he's Jewish so it's okay to laugh.

Thanks for the link Drew.

Monday, August 16, 2004

 

My lawyer has been contacted

This is my Friendster picture. I got this message on Friendster the other day from someone that I don't know...
Always after me lucky charms
I love green.. but I must say I like your nose better. that's some sexy shit ya got on your face! Damn givin me hot flashes. Whew. okay, I'll be okay don't worry. Hmm.
ciao %^)

Er, okay. What does that mean? I mean, my nose does look kinda big in that picture. Is she making fun of me? And do you notice how the little drawing at the bottom has a nose? Seriously, if this makes any sense to you please let me know.

In anycase, I've filed for a restraining order because I'm fearful for my safety.
 

Hobbit prog

Please listen closely because I have the best idea ever. Let's start a Hobbitcore band. That's right, we'll be all progged out and have keyboards and synths and make Yes sound like a high school marching band.

If we start practicing right now, we'll be ready for when they realease The Lord of the Rings boxset. Then we'll make a million dollars because nerds the land over will kill for our record.

What? Somebody already did that? No way.

Fuck, you're right. They look cool and they sound good too. There's a rap group too? Forget it; we're screwed.
 

Please shut up

My roommate is reading the New York Times yesterday and finds this in an article about hipster, crazy man Vincent Gallo...

"He helped manage one of the earliest break-dancing groups, the New York City Breakers. He was a successful painter but gave that up. He was a Formula II motorcycle racer and modeled for Calvin Klein and Anna Sui. Instead of enumerating his accomplishments, though, Mr. Gallo mostly enjoys emphasizing what he is not...he has never read a book of fiction and says he can barely spell."


Which is true? That he used to be a b-boy, that he raced motorcycles, or that he's illiterate. My money's on illiterate.
 

Boring blog

To IMWT's 11 faithful readers I'm sorry there haven't been many posts lately, but there will be more today. I will also try and make them more interesting than today's other post.
 

Copy editors take heed

Warning - This post is only for nerds, grammarians, writers and bores. I guess you could argue that those last three are the same.

I've always hated the capital "I" at the beginning of "Internet." It doesn't make any sense, "radio" isn't capitalized. Why should "Internet" be special? I've driven copy editors crazy trying to sneak the diminutive version by. I thought I was alone on this issue, but I'm not. The editors at Wired agree. Thanks for vindicating me guys.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

 

Flower stand


Flower stand
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
Last night I didn't go to a dance party. I didn't get sweaty. I did get drunk. I did get rained on. I did have fun. I'm taking the day off from blogging. Hope you like flowerblogging.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

 

Shakin' it


Red Purse
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
I'm going to a dance party. I'm going to get drunk. I'm going to be sweaty. I hope you have a good night. I also hope you like the purseblogging.
 

This could've been me

My first reaction to this was..."Unless this Dustin guy is me, and he isn't, then it can't be true." But, I got confirmation from the author and it's true.

P.S. The next time you wake up hung over and you're thinking about how you made a fool out of yourself the previous night, remember this story. Then smile and go back to sleep.
 

Thanks Florida

Florida is the worst state in the country. Let's just establish that right away. It's a fact, so get over it Floridians.

You people put the rest of us through that recount thing in 2000 and now you're sending your hurricane to New York. Oh, and I hate Disneyland or world, whichever one it is.
 

Cellular porn

I don't remember how life was bearable before I got a cell phone. Nor do I remember how life was bearable in the pre-internet porn days (oh that's right, I watched scrambled Spice channel). No matter how great these two things are separately, combining them is just creepy.

"Brit porn auteur Ben Dover (nee Lindsay Honey) and tech firm Symbios Group say the digital porn mag they're launching this month in the UK will be the first such publication designed specifically for mobile delivery."


Porno delivered to your cell phone. Please feel free to insert your own joke about increasing numbers of guys jerking it on the subway, street, etc.
 

Julia Child - international spy

National Review's blog, The Corner, has an interesting post about Julia Child...

"She volunteered for the OSS during World War Two and while many authors and biographers have claimed she was a pretty serious spy, she always denied it, saying she was merely a file clerk."


Hmm, who knew?
 

Tips from a real blogger

Everybody in the world is starting a blog. So here are some tips from someone who actually knows what he's doing. I'm pretty sure that I haven't met any of his requirements.

Link via Instapundit.

Friday, August 13, 2004

 

Damn

The Party Gods didn't come through. I'm on the stoop drinking beer. I'm saving Nemo for later.
 

An open letter

Dear Party Gods,

Thanks for providing me with the recent open bar. I appreciated it very much. Even though some fat bitch in a glitter shirt kept stepping on my feet and smashing into me with her backpack. I mean, a full backpack at an open bar in New York? There's barely enough room to wear a full backpack on the sidewalk, much less a bar. Seriously Party Gods, please punish her. Also guys, it would be great if you could do something about that "one drink at a time" rule.

Anyway, please give me something cool to do tonight (with freee booze, please) beacuse otherwise I'm sitting on the couch and watching Finding Nemo and that's not cool.

Thanks for your attention to this matter.
 

A long car trip


A long car trip
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
Another camera-phone picture. I took it on day number two of a drive from NYC to Memphis. I was losing my mind. We made it to Knoxville on the first day - that's like 14 hours.
 

Drew is a jerk


Drew is a jerk
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
This is an old camera-phone picture my friend Drew took last winter. We're in my den watching some zombie movie. If you look past Drew's grin, you can just make out my beard and my beer.
 

Watch out

First Rick James and now Julia Child. C-ish list celebs, you should watch out; you might be next.
 

Metal militia

I'm sure that ya'll check The Black Table everyday to find the web's best time wasting links. And I know that you love black metal. Well, New York's funniest website has a link to the Top 10 Most Ridiculous Black Metal Pics Of All Time. Most ridiculous, or most awesome? How can you not check it out?

Thursday, August 12, 2004

 

Portugal declares war on Iraq

The Iraqi Olympic soccer team showed their appreciation to Portugal by beating them 4-2 in a preliminary match. "Hey Portugal, thanks for that whole getting rid of Saddam thing. Now take that!"

Or, maybe the whole team is made up of terrorists and they were just sticking it to western infidel puppets of the Great Satan.

P.S. That's right, Portugal and a host of other countries including Thailand, Bulgaria and Mongolia have troops in Iraq. That doesn't change the fact that American school children can't find any of those countries on a map though.
 

Two reasons to be sick

There's a story over at The Smoking Gun about LA Clippers' owner Donald Sterling seeing a hooker for a few years. Guys, he's a billionaire. If I were a billionaire, I'd pay $500 to get laid too.

It's gross to think about a 70-year-old man getting laid, but this quote is even more gross...

"Sterling, a Los Angeles real estate mogul, bought the Clippers in 1981 for $12.5 million and the franchise--one of the most profitable in the NBA--is now worth more than $200 million."


They went 28-54 last year and they're making a profit? Disgusting.
 

Bush punched a guy

This is a pretty awesome picture of W. punching a guy during a rugby match. For the sake of balance, I was trying to find a picture of Kerry snowboarding (although, I don't know if that could possibly equal the punching picture) but didn't have any luck.

If you scroll down though, you see Bush as a cheerleader. That probably balances everything out nicely. Bonus - The picture's headline has a nice Teenage Fanclub reference.
 

Seeger loves corn

Pete Seeger is on NPR and he just invited a caller to come to a corn festival and wind surf. "All the corn you can eat!" Um, thanks Pete, but isn't there an oppressed group out there that needs an old dude to sing about it?

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

 

Oh no

Craigslist just started charging $25 to post a job on the NYC and LA boards. That sucks. How are all the reputable companies looking for body paint models going to afford that over the long haul? I mean, sure they can afford it now, but what about when the body paint bubble bursts?

"URBAN FASHION SHOW IS CASTING WOMEN FOR BODY PAINT SEGMENT IN UPCOMING SHOW. THIS IS TOTALLY PROFESSIONAL AND WE WORK WITH THE BEST TEAM OF ARTISTS."


There are pictures when you click the link.
 

I might as well be thirteen

Guess who has two thumbs and is a loser? This guy! I'm in my bedroom listening to music on iTunes and reading Love and Rockets. Don't you think, that somehow, that wouldn't sound so lame if I were listening to my iPod?
 

Merriam is down with the kids

Beyonce and Jay-Z are postponing their wedding. Big deal, I didn't even know they were getting married. But the last paragraph of the story is interesting...

"Beyonce has even managed to get a word in the dictionary, the name of Destiny's Child track Bootylicious."

 

Let's get serious

I have to put up with a lot of talk about racism as a southern, white guy living in NYC. "It must be so bad down there. How did you make it out without being a racist?" Etc.

That's why I was happy to find this on Slate. It's right on the money, I think.

"One reason for bigotry's maddening intractability is that a determination—however knee-jerk, superficial, or unthinkingly made—that something or someone is racist ends the discussion, as happened with my friend. The verdict is "guilty" and the only punishment is forfeiture of the right to consider yourself a decent human being. Better to be a necrophiliac than an admitted bigot. Yet if we are to evolve on the issue of race, the notion that you, or someone else, is racist ought to function as the beginning of the attainment of full humanity, not the proof that you've relinquished it."

 

Update - This is confusing

This new way to embarrass your friends absolutely worked. She's number three on the list now and rising with a bullet.
 

Me on the stairs


Me on the stairs
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
This is the last post of the night, I mean it is 2:30. This is a picture of me on the stairs of my house last winter. I still had a beard then. Maybe it will make a comeback soon.
 

This is confusing

You know how on the side of Friendster, it shows the most popular searches in your personal network? I thought it would be funny to see if I could search for one of my friend's with the words "is easy" after their name and get it on the list.

You know one day they start getting phonecalls and emails beacuse "Kate H-- is easy" shows up as a popular search. Then the joke comes out and everybody's all "Ha, ha, that Jeramia sure is clever."

But, when I did the search the first hit was for fucking Liev Schreiber's website. That's right, the guy who played Cotton Weary in Scream, Scream 2 and Scream 3.

You've got some explaining to do Kate.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

 

Things i must like

Here are a few things I've written about on IMWT so far and the number of times I've written about them.

Goths - 1
BBQ - 1
Terrorism - 2
Cocaine - 2
Quaaludes - 2
Fisting - 1
Being drunk - 5
Thinly veiled reference to homosexuality - 1
Friendster - 2
Rick James - 3
Sleeping - 3
 

Friendster redeemed

I was completely sick of Friendster, but this profile made me love it again. Amazing...but it's too bad the Cloak of Shame hasn't posted my testimonial yet.
 

Dangerous gourmet

I just burned most of the hair off of my right hand making Ramen noodles. Chicken mushroom Ramen noodles.
 

My clothes aren't cool enough

Do you know about Polaroid Scene? I didn't either until recently. Then I checked it out and decided I'm only dating girls that have appeared on this site. But, my clothes aren't cool enough and I'm probably not cute enough.

Ha! Fuck modesty. Once these girls see me set the dance floor on fire they won't be able to control themselves.

P.S. If the picture is of your friend or girlfriend or some girl you're banging, don't be all pissy and try to beat me up. It's a joke. Um, no it's not. I'll dance you under the table anytime and your girl will love me. Okay, that part was a joke. Sorta.

Monday, August 09, 2004

 

Haven't been sleeping

I haven't been sleeping well for a few weeks. It happens pretty frequently, a few times a year, I guess. So, my roommate has me all hopped up (down?) on these homeopathic drugs. As of right now, I've taken kava kava, Chamomilla and I'm drinking Tea for Sleep.

At least I'm in good company.

"Prominent figures such as Charlemagne, Leonardo da Vinci, Isaac Newton, Benjamin Franklin, Vincent van Gogh and Catherine the Great were known to be poor sleepers...Napoleon claimed that he didn't sleep much. In the battle of Waterloo, his commanders reported that he was so sleep-deprived that he stumble around the battlefield making bad decisions."


Yeah, that last bit isn't so good, huh?
 

Tom Ridge has lost his mind

I'm not an expert on terrorism or anything, but I don't think the Phish Festival is going to get dirty bombed. Do you? Of course not. Well apparently the good people in Vermont are a little worried.

"Although no threats have been received regarding a possible terrorist attack at the upcoming Phish festival, law enforcement is viewing the venue as a 'soft target.' Cameras, Vermont National Guard and Civil Air Patrol fly-overs, in addition to hundreds of law enforcement and security on site, will be deployed to maintain a 24-hour vigil over the festival at the airport."


I hope they're guarding the Ben and Jerry's headquarters too.

Here's the original post.
 

Genius

We've all had those dates that were so awful you would do anything to escape. Well, now Cingular and Virgin Mobile are going to help you out.

I have often wished for this service.
 

Oops...I did it again

Ah, Britney. Your career is over (isn't it? or is she back again?) so get a grip and stop taking advice from Madonna.

Here are some pictures the folks in Louisiana are sure to love. They're a few weeks old so you might have already seen them.
 

Hasidic reggae superstar

This is real. It's not a joke. He was just on NPR and he's playing Wednesday. It's $15 and that sounds like a bargain.
 

Racing the clock

I'm busting my ass to make a deadline today. I'll be on the computer all day. Updates will probably be spread out throughout the day. Until then, watch a squid swim .
 

Very sad


Too bright
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
This is me sleeping in a very bright room a few weeks ago. I'm on a yoga mat. I woke up with a bruise on my back from the floor.

I stole this from my friend's LiveJournal also.
 

Give it up

Terrifying.
 

WTF?

Someone just pointed out that Sparks is only available in half the country or something. What? Only half the country? Get on the ball Sparks!

IMWT has readers across this fine land (and in Australia, Spain and Denmark- big ups foreigners) and I want you to know what Sparks is like.

It's malt liquor and Red Bullish stuff all mixed up and sold in a 16 ounce can. Imagine you're six and you drank a Coke and ate a box of Nerds and then spun around in circles until you fell.

That's pretty much it.

No wait, apparently these guys drink Sparks because the comapny links to their website. Go to the pictures. I rest my case.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

 

Get Spark'd and take off your shirt

Some friends and I drank Sparks while we walked across the Williamsburg Bridge from the city last night. We were on our way to a party and thought the best way to get ready was by drinking crazy-in-a-can.

Can you guess what happened at the party? Come on. You're getting warm. That's right. I got wasted and embarassed myself.

I danced with, like, maybe two other people and took my shirt off. Briefly. On the dance floor. That's turning the party meter to 11 and then breaking the fucker off. Or, maybe it's just being a jackass.

Did I mention that my friend and I were having a contest to see who could keep their collars turned up the longest? Well, we did and it was agreed that I won.

Also, at one point I drug the keg across the room so it would be closer to me.

This might have been a cry for help.
 

I'm a liar

Alright so I might post a few things tonight. First, I got an email saying that you couldn't post a comment unless you were a blogger.com member. I've changed that; now anyone can post. Does this matter to you? Probabaly not.
 

Stealing is the highest form of flattery


Dixie dog
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
I'll fill you in on just how drunk I got last night at some other time...much too tired now. For now, you'll have to deal with some dogblogging. My apologies to Instapundit.
 

First post

It's a little late today. Sorry. I couldn't get out of bed until about two hours ago and I'm very hung over (see previous post). But that means there's a story to tell. Stay tuned.

Saturday, August 07, 2004

 

Hey guess what

This will be the only post of the day because I have a little bit of a life. I'm going to see a show and then go to a few parties.

Don't be dismayed though, because this greatly increases the chances that I will blog while drunk very late at night. All the girls I've ever dated can attest to the fact that I'm much better when drunk.

Have a good night.

Friday, August 06, 2004

 

Best party ever

Somehow I missed this post at Gawker about the party that Target threw to celebrate the opening of it's new Brooklyn store. I was there and the pictures don't begin to describe it.

Retailers should remember this simple equation: free booze + celebrities + discounted merchandise = best party of the summer.
 

No title will do this justice

"A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting" - that's the title of a book. Here it is on Amazon.

This is from one of the reviews:

"The notes on vaginal fisting run parellel to a touching narrative based around the the authors transition from naive small town girl to a city hooker, taking fists in all manner of orifices in exchange for neligible amounts of cocaine...The only thing the book was missing was information on how to pleasure oneself using household items such as rolling pins, beer bottles, etc."

 

No starch please

I hate extreme sports. I also hate foods or drinks that have extreme flavors. I mean what's next extreme ironing?

Yeah, you've already seen it. I know. Just shut up and click here fuckface.
 

The world's coming to an end

NPR is playing "Super Freak" right now in tribute to Rick James. Mother of God. They're totally giving him a tribute.

Did you know that he played in a band with Neil Young? Yeah, me neither, but that's what they just said.

The band was called The Mynah Birds. Rick played bass.
 

Bike riding

I took a long bike ride today. Around Midtown, across the Manhattan Bridge, through Park Slope and back home. The bike, as with most everything else in my life, is borrowed and in a state of mild disrepair. The brakes don't work so well and the tires tend to go flat.

Here are a few things that I either said or thought to myself while riding an unsafe bike:

Fuck.
Oh, no that's okay.
Are those real? She looks a little skinny for them.
God damn it. Watch out.
That's the dumbest hat I've ever seen.
Fuck! Jesus Christ!
His shorts are waaay too short. Is he gay? Wait. Nope, he's just European.
Watch your door, guy.
 

It's true

Rick James is dead.

"Funk singer Rick James, best known for the 1981 hit "Super Freak," died Friday, apparently of natural causes, police said."


"James, 56, died at 9:45 a.m. at a residence near Universal City, said Officer Esther Reyes, a Police Department spokeswoman."

 

Superfreaky death

If this is true it's a sad day for funk fans across the globe. Drudge says Rick James is dead. More as it becomes available.

Thanks to Drew for the link.
 

Calling all Friendster geeks

If you're reading this then you're on Friendster. I know you are because I know all 11 people that read this blog. Here's an amazingly bizarre article about Friendster creator Jonathan Abrams. It's long but it's worth it.

"I'm a fucking wanker who has such a hard time meeting women that I invented my own dating service."

"As we talk, Abrams admits that Friendster's success has killed his social life; it's more than a little ironic that he has his very own dating site, but no time to date. He asks me if I have any cute single friends."


P.S. Jon please don't delete my Friendster account.
 

Um, yeah

Totally wasted and blogging. How sad is that?

Thursday, August 05, 2004

 

I'm stupid, but i found this

I had to Google the word "Quaaludes" to see if I was spelling it right. I wasn't, but I found this. Scroll down a little beacuse it's only funny for the headline.
 

More Elton


pinball
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
In all of his coked-up-gotta-do-Quaaludes-to-go-to-bed glory. But the best part is there's a crowd cheering him on to pinball victory and a man is holding a sign that says "Ring Them Bells."
 

Capt. Fantastic


captfantastic
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
Fucking finally. Check out that sweet Canadian hockey jersey. Who knew Sir Elton was a hockey fan. Well, I guess he's a fan of anything that involves sweaty guys.
 

My day

This is what I did today:

10 AM Woke up.
11 AM Crawled out of bed.
11:30 AM Ate breakfast.
12 PM Worked in my pajamas.
4 PM Got dressed.
5 PM Decided Verizon is worst ISP ever.
5:30 PM Went to bank.
6 PM Started drinking.

It's a hard life.
 

Damn

Still can't get the Elton John pictures to post. I don't know why. They're probably not even worth the wait, but I'll post them anyway.
 

He's got crazy flipper fingers...

I've spent the last few weeks working on a story about people who collect pinball machines. There are people who have hundreds of machines. One guy even has one in his bathroom, which is a little gross if you ask me.

I don't care about pinball really, but when I was a little kid I remember playing Elton John's "Captain Fantastic" machine. It was at some pizza place and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. It was the first time I realized that if you were a rock star, you could do anything you wanted. You could look like a maniac, you could break things, you could have a fucking pinball machine with your face on it. Are you kidding?

I played one at a guy's house a few weeks ago and it's still pretty cool. Elton John in giant platform shoes and a bright red shirt. He's some sort of cocaine-powered superhero. I didn't do very well at the game though. No replays.

Oh and of course there's a professional league.

There will be a picture of Elton in all of his 1976 hedonistic glory as soon as the web will let me load it. Sorry.
 

Oh Canada

So I posted a link to the funniest political ad ever. Now here's the funniest beer commercial.

Here's what Adrants has to say about it:

"Here's an ad for Molson that the Canadians are gleefully running because they know the FCC would never allow such an atrocity to appear on our sacred airwaves."


Thanks to JEG for the link.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

 

Beautiful BBQ

FedEx just rang my buzzer and dropped off a belated birthday present from my Mom...a box full of BBQ from Memphis. We all know that the only real BBQ is from Memphis (sorry Texas, Kansas City). Thanks Mom; it's just in time for a late lunch.
 

Men with guns spotted in streets

Since I work from my apartment in Brooklyn I don't have to go into the city everyday. I don't have to deal with the heavy security that most people here face since the new terror warnings were announced. The security here is insane again from what I've been told.

That's good because it seemed to me that it had been pretty lax in the past few months. Check out the link to see what New Yorkers have to live with...it's better than getting blown up though.
 

Funniest political ad ever

I'm generally not inclined to help spread liberal propaganda. However, Will Ferrell is a comedy genius. So watch this commercial from ACT.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

 

Little old me

Here's a picture of me doing my best to look...well, hung over I guess. Also I stole this from my friend's LiveJournal. She took the photo.
jeremia
Originally uploaded by jeramiatrotter.

 

I'll really do it this time. I promise.

This is my second attempt at a blog. The first one worked on and off for about two months. Then I got a girlfriend...you know how that goes. It's more fun to hang out with a girl that's going to sleep with you than to sit in your bedroom and type on the computer all night.

Well, we broke up so now I'm back in the blogosphere. But don't worry, this isn't going to be some kind of gothy I'm so sad I'm going to be in my room listening to The Cure kind of thing. I promise.

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