Monday, September 27, 2004

 

Psych out

"Dude, the walls are bleeding, but it's just a side-affect from my medicine."

Scientists at Harvard might be hearing that soon.
 

For frequent flyers

Luckily, I haven't had to sleep in airports too often.
 

Yes, this is our friend

Can you believe that this is one of IMWT's best friend's ever? Yeah, we guess it's not that surprising.

P.S. Other sites that mention lycanthropy.
 

Click, click, boom

Um, could I have put more links in that last post?
 

It gets lonliest at night

If you read IMWT you're probably a Jawbreaker fan. In fact, we know you're a Jawbreaker fan because we know all 11 people that actually take the time to read this blog.

Anyway, Adam from Jawbreaker mentioned our friends' band Lucero in a recent interview.

Trust us, that's kinda, sort of a big deal if you cried a lot as a teenager and thought Jack Kerouac was just a more Canuck version of Christ.

P.S. Thanks to Aaron for the tip.
 

Why aren't we this good?

After extensive research, IMWT has decided defective yeti is the best blog in the world.
 

I'm too old for this

I'm 26, but I feel like I'm 56. I make weird creaking noises when I get out of bed in the morn...er, afternoon. However, I've shotgunned two PBRs in as many nights.

Tonight (Sunday) it was a 16 ouncer in my garage.

I'm a classy fellow.

Friday, September 24, 2004

 

Internet popularity contest meets capitalism

Do you get bummed out when you're poking around on Friendster and you see that you don't have as many friends as other people? Does it make you feel unpopular?

Well, if you have a blog you can combine your failing internet social life with a failed internet company as well. BlogShares is a pretend stock exchange for blogs. Um, yeah, I know it's shockingly geeky.

Click here to discover just what fake shares of IMWT are worth. Hint - not very much.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

 

My new job

Last week or so, our local bodega started selling Hollandia beer. I'd never heard of it until recently, but Jesus Christ the Dutch must want us to get drunk cheaply. $3 gets you a six-pack of 16 ounce cans. While you're stunned from shock, I'll do the math for you. It's 50 cents a can.

Maybe this is how they could stand wearing those wooden shoes or paying a million bucks for a tulip bulb.
 

G-d hates you

This is a pretty New Yorkcentric post, but you'll still enjoy it even if you live in the (assumes a haughty voice) provinces.

The Williamsburg rumour mill has been grinding away for some time about a flyer, written in Hebrew, and distributed in a Hassidic neighborhood. The gist of the flyer is supposed to be that artists are a plague and good people won't rent to them, etc.

Well, the flyer exists and Harper's has translated it for us.
"Master of the Universe, have mercy upon us and upon the borders of our village and do not allow the persecution to come inside our home; please remove from upon us the plague of the artists, so that we shall not drown in evil waters, and so that they shall not come to our residence to ruin it."
Please, if you have one of these flyers, send it to me.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

 

Little ones

IMWT would like to say a big hello to our biggest grade school fans. I've heard that these two P.S. 41 students can dance a mean Tunak Tunak Tan.
 

Any questions?

Everyone's blogging about how Yusuf Islam (nee Cat Stevens) couldn't get into the U.S. because of possible ties to terrorism. I'm not going to do that because, um, honestly I don't have anything funny to write about it. Sorry.

What is funny is his FAQ.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

 

Just when I was getting good

Apparently depression is out just like electroclash. Oh, wait. Depression is being replaced by:
"anger, pride, obstinacy, and rashness."
That's good because I'm pretty amazing at those things too.
 

Ghetto fabulous

To: Jay-Z, Lil Jon, Shyne, MJG and Eightball, et al.
Re: Ghetto fabulousness

Big ups playas. I'm sure you're all keepin' it real, keepin' it locked down, etc. However, on behalf of IMWT, I've got to address a growing problem. Dawgs, ghetto fabulousness has been reeling out of control for quite a time now (click here, here and here).

Those were all low points for ghetto fabulousness, but whistle tips take the off-brand, Hostess-style cake. As my friend Juan said:
"If somebody told me that this was a Dave Chappelle skit I would have believed them."
I hope that you and the rest of the rap community will band together to fight this and other things that make ghetto fabulous just plain ghetto.

One love,
Jeramia

P.S. Thanks to Juan for the link.
 

Remixing goes visual

I haven't seen the movie Outfoxed and I doubt I will. But this is an interesting idea.
"[Robert] Greenwald [the creator of the movie] has announced that he is making much of the Outfoxed unedited footage available free of charge, under a Creative Commons license, to the public for remixing and re-using in nearly any manner imaginable."

Saturday, September 18, 2004

 

August is sad


August is sad
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
So, you're thinking of starting an internet cartoon. You decide to go with the old Odd Couple formula and stick two people together that shouldn't be together, thus ensuring comedy genius.

But who are your characters going to be? Hmm. Rich guy, poor guy? Boring. Fat guy, skinny guy. Nope. Hippie, corporate attorney. Dharma and Greg already did that.

Wait. Why not a gothic 19th century Swedish writer, who's obsessed with alchemy and the occult, and a helium ballon? Yep, that's it. See the results of August Strindberg & helium here.

P.S. Dude, it was the 19th century. Alchemy was sooo 15th century.

P.P.S. The picture came from Extrapis.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

 

Can't believe my ears

I saw this and thought "Ha, ha, what a funny parody of death metal." Then I clicked on this, got the MP3 and fucking heard it for myself. A parrot singing for a metal band.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Go here to find out more.
 

Madonna's not Maiden

We all love Iron Maiden and everyone is completely annoyed with Madonna. She's in Israel and they hate her there too. Finally something the Palestinians and Israelis can agree on.
"Madonna's pilgrimage has aroused anger amongst the Palestinians, who have accused Madonna of neglecting their plight, as well as the Jews who find her 'religiously insensitive.'"
However, my beloved discount chain Target hasn't caught on that Madonna and the Kabbalah are lame.
 

Gabba gabba hey

Johnny Ramone has died.
 

Taxi driver

We hate advertisements, right? They're the bane of capitalist society, they're eroding our attention span, blah, blah, blah.

But we still fall for them. All of us. Remember that first pair of Jordans you had? Yeah those ones that had red and black shoelaces. Those were sooo cool. You totally wore them to school that first day and you rocked shit. Girls were checking you out and then you fucking dunked on that guy at...oh, sorry. Anyway, um, the point is that we all buy into ads, no matter how worldly we think we are.

So click here, here and here to watch ads that make driving a cab as cool as those Jordans.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

 

Everyone loves Maiden

The poltical climate in this country is, um, heated to say the least. But we can all agree on the awesomeness of Iron Maiden.

Metal's greatest band is so widely accepted that there's an article on their album Powerslave in that bastion of conservatism, National Review.
"If Iron Maiden ever wrote a song about sex, drugs, or rock and roll, I never heard it. The guys were too busy singing about literature and history. Here's a sampling of song titles: "The Flight of Icarus," "Alexander the Great," "The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner." Not all of their subjects are so transparent. "The Trooper" is Maiden's version of "The Charge of the Light Brigade", the poem by Tennyson."
My mom wouldn't buy me Maiden records when I was a kid because she thought Eddie was a bit much. I'm going to tell her that she deprived me of educational material.
 

God bless the south


Fightin'
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
It was my friend SP's 30th birthday last night (that's her over there on the right). She lives back home in Memphis, so obviously I wasn't there. It sounds like I missed out on a seriously a good time.

She and some of our friends went to a bar to have some drinks and celebrate. Well, there's a notorious creep in that city, we'll call him Mr. T. He just pops up around town wearing BIll Cosby sweaters and acts like a jerk. He always gropes girls and is just generally creepy.

Mr. T started getting handsy with some of the girls last night and they weren't too keen on it. He was told to stop a million times, but wouldn't.

My friend Drew told Mr. T that it was time to leave.

Mix a drunk Southern gentleman with a guy who's being rude to women and what do you have? Bar fight!

They both stood up and Mr. T pushed Drew - big mistake. Drew punches him a few times. Then Mr. T grabs a chair and rares back. SP jumps out of the booth, tackles Mr. T and pins him to the ground.

"Drew's got a wife and two kids, I'm not gonna let him get hit by a chair. Fuck that," is what she told me this afternoon.

The moral: Don't ever mess with a Southern girl because they'll kick your ass.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

 

A way to get us to vote

Apparently, young voters (I'm, sadly, no longer a member of this group) don't register to vote. Those few that do register don't actually make it to the polls.

A group called Votergasm is out to change that. How are they going to solve the problem? Go to their site and find out.
 

"You light up my life"

I'm not a big fan of karaoke, but JEG has a friend in town who might be addicted to it. Last night we went to Winnie's in Chinatown.

There were six of us and we walked in we doubled the number of people in the bar. I don't understand Chinese, but I do understand dirty looks and that's what we got. Eventually things got friendlier when a load of other people showed up, but it was pretty tense for a little while.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

 

Travelin' man

No blogging this weekend. Sorry. The IMWT staff is going here, or at least somewhere near there.

Well, I'm going there, but of course I am the staff. I'll be sleeping in a barn...or a tent. I'll be cold at night because my sleeping bag got eaten by a dog outside of Paris. All I have is a quilt. Have a nice weekend.

Friday, September 10, 2004

 

Spoke too soon


Tunak Tunak Tan
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
Just when we were bitching about how the internet was boring, something amazing came along.

I used to go to this one Indian restaurant in Memphis just because they always played Indian MTV, or whatever it's called. Every video was the same - huge dance numbers set in front of ancient temples. Every time. Well, this blows all that shit away.

Daler Mehndi doesn't need a million people dancing or singing to make his video rad. He just needs to harness the planet's elements to clone himself, then he uses an inexplicable jiggling-finger dance to get the crowd rocking.

It's a long video, but I promise you'll be blown away. Please watch the whole thing. It just gets stranger.

 

Suffering

Is it us, or has the internet been reaaaally boring lately? Come on guys, start posting pictures of midgets kissing Mexican donkeys or something. I can't handle it anymore.

Until I can find something interesting, go here and fool around. Maybe you can find something funny there.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

 

Funnier than we are

The IMWT staff apologizes for not having written this.
 

Breathing your booze

IMWT was making fun of the AWOL in an earlier post.

But after reading this, maybe it's not so bad.
"...intensive inhalation may be more likely to cause alcohol toxicity than binge drinking...Another serious risk is that the rapid rush of alcohol to the brain would make inhalation more addictive than regular drinking."
Frat boys across the country are frantically trying to hook these up to their ACs as we speak.
 

Beaten by the big boys

Slate answers our questions about NASA's "precious minerals" and the odd landing plan. The short answer...
"...researchers feared that a rough landing would shatter the capsule's delicate cargo: disks of gold, sapphire, and diamond containing charged particles gleaned from the solar wind."
Genesis' cost? According to the article it was $260 million. How much of that went to the "trained stunt pilots"?

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

 

So bizarre

The Genesis capsule crashed into the desert today. I'm not a space fan-boy or anything, but this is a super interesting story. Mostly because it's so bizarre.
"...[Genesis] deployed fragile arrays made of precious minerals to capture 'solar wind'-- highly charged subatomic particles streaming from the sun."

"Trained Hollywood stunt pilots were primed to rescue the capsule before it touched the ground using helicopters and giant hooks. But the parachutes never opened and the probe came crashing down..."
NASA can send this thing a million miles away where it uses some kind of QVC-style "precious minerals" and then they have a parachute and the Fall Guy with a hook trying to catch it?

Does that sound realistic?
 

Do you hate blogger too?

I guess blogging is all the rage. Yeah, it's totally changing the world. There were bloggers at both conventions (here and here), but Blogger has fucked me over tonight. It refused to post one of my posts.

I declare Blogger the new Friendster. It never works when you're drunk and you really need it to work.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

 

Ugh

I've gotten drunk and taken stupid dares before. Everyone has. However, would you stick a metal ring around your dick? Er, no, of course not. That's just wierd. Okay, but let's just say that you did. If it got stuck, you'd go to the hospital right away wouldn't you?

I read this story 20 minutes ago, but it made me feel so sick that I passed out. I just crawled back into my chair and I'm still a little woozy.

Here's a tiny bit...
"Doctors told the man the only way to save his life was to remove the damaged penis, but said when they told him he fled the hospital....Dr Belu added: 'There is no way he can escape going under the knife. He needs to come back to the hospital and accept this.'"

 

My t-shirt is tight

Due to overwhelming demand IMWT is offering T-shirts. "There goes a man of wealth and taste." Have you ever walked down the street and heard strangers say that? No? Well they will now, because your shirt will tell them that you are, in fact, a man of wealth and taste.

Although it sounds like a joke, I assure you it is not. The shirts are $10. Send me an email and I'll give you the deatils.

Oh, and they're designed by a genuine fashion designer. That part isn't a joke either.
 

Life's a beach


Life's a beach
Originally uploaded by jeramia.
This is as close as I like to get to the beach.

P.S. Ladies, please do not try to contact me. I know my physique is impressive and it can be hard to control yourself after seeing me shirtless. But please stay calm and don't send me any creepy emails.

 

Summer's gone

Labor Day has passed. New York is getting crowded as everyone comes back from their beach homes. I've always hated the beach, much to the dismay of friends and family. I'm forced to wriggle out of mind-numbing beach trips every summer.

Did you know that everyone used to avoid the beach? Did you know that the British invented the beach trip? Surpisingly, according to this article they did.

Link via Arts & Letters Daily.
 

The importance of staying healthy

It's important to stay healthy, but it's also important to have a good time. So it can be a tough battle between the beer and the beer belly. That's why I've developed a new exercise routine. Go ahead and enjoy a few 40s, but make sure at least one of them is consumed on an exercise bike. There are pictures here.

This will be all the rage in a few months. I'm already writing the book.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

 

You don't care about me- revisited

None of my posts other posts has ever generated the kind of response that this one did.

Thanks to all of those that emailed saying how awesome IMWT is. However, I'd like to thank those that sent amazing hate mail even more. Here's an example...
Dear asshole,
Fuck you. I won't ever read your stupid blog again. Do you want to know why? You're a narcisistic dick that thinks making fun of lepors is funny.
Go to hell.
If you're my friend and you wrote this as a joke, please don't ever tell me. It's funnier that way.


 

Language barrier

I rode a recently freed bicycle to Prospect Park today.

I stopped and watched a group of African men playing soccer. They yelled the normal things concerning the defense in English (man on, mark, switch off, etc.), but they seemed to yell all things concerning offense in French.

There's no joke; I just though it was odd.

Friday, September 03, 2004

 

Your alien culture is confusing

Here are a few things that I've overheard or seen in my Brooklyn neighborhood recently...

1. Two men talking, in thick Caribbean accents, to each other in font of a barber shop.
Man 1 "I'm a homophobic barber. Bah-bah-bah-bah! I'm a homophobic barber."
Man 1 and Man 2 "Bah-bah-bah-BAH!"

2. At 7:30 in the morning I was walking near a homeless shelter. A woman (Woman 1) and a man were walking slightly behind me; across the street a woman (Woman 2) was also walking in the same direction.
Woman 1 "What are you looking at, bitch? You know him? You know my man, bitch?"
Woman 2 Stays silent. Stares.
Woman 1 "Bitch, you better not know my man."
Woman 2 "Ho, I got my own man and I got my own house. I'm pregnant, bitch. I don't need your man. You're just a crazy-ass shelter bitch, a bum bitch. Ain't nobody want a bum bitch."

3. I'm going into a bodega. A man with a dirty shirt and a missing tooth gestures me over. His hands are cupped together.
Man "Yo man, I got something I know you want."
Me "Oh, you do?"
He opens his hands and he's holding a tiny kitten.
Man "Niggga, I know you want a cat. I know you do."
Me "Um, no. No, I don't."

 

An ever shrinking world

Isn't it strange that they have the Gilmore Girls in Calcutta? Wouldn't you imagine they'd be more concerned about, say, ravaging poverty, homelessness, malnourishment and fucking leprosy than they are about Gilmore Girls?

If you read the story you'll also find that Indians are fond of Walk Like an Egyptian.
 

You don't care about me

Obviously, you don't care about me. I know how many people read IMWT and it's, like, a billion people. For some reason though, only 96 people have viewed my profile. That's ridiculous. Guys, you're making me look like a loser.

So many people have looked at this girl's profile that it's ridiculous. And she doesn't even have a blog.

Aren't you interested in me anymore?

Thursday, September 02, 2004

 

Another reason not to get married

Thank god I'm not married and, um, don't live in India, because this would seriously hamper my lifestyle.
"Men in part of India could face up to three years in jail if they are caught drinking without written permission from their wives."

 

Beaten to the punch

I had this great idea to go around to all the protests and take photos and write funny captions for them. Then I got arrested. Now I shit my pants every time I'm within 45 feet of a cop, so obviously I'm not getting anywhere near either group of lunatics.

Luckily, The Black Table is doing it for me.
 

Why didn't I think of that?

Here's a great story from Slate about why it's good to be a card-carrying member of the press.
"Four dozen cops had surrounded us, each clutching a handful of an enormous orange net...Durant thrust a peace sign into the air and began to chant, 'We are peaceful people. We are peaceful people.' The 48 of us inside the net followed suit. Only instead of a peace sign I was waving my red-and-green media badges."

Here's another Slate story. It's all about those terrifying anarchists.
 

You're not talking about us

Somehow, I don't think IMWT's blockbuster reportage is included in this story about blogs as a real medium for journalism.
"'The blogs that I'm familiar with don't tend to be fast and loose with the facts,' he said. 'They really try to pin it down.'

If blogs continue to grow in influence and credibility, it could be a pivotal moment for political reporting, he said, adding, 'There are some earmarks of watershed here.'"

Link via Instapundit.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

 

The system continues to suck

Welcome Tequila Mas Fina readers.

I'd promised myself that I wasn't going to blog about my time in the big house anymore. But there are some new, annoying developments.

Everyone arrested with me was allowed to get their personal belongings (purses, keys, phones, etc.) when they were released. However, riding our bikes was part of the reason we were arrested so those were kept as evidence.

After your arraignment you have to get a document from the DAs office to get your bike out of the impound. JEG got her paperwork without a problem. I wasn't so lucky.

I was never officially arrested - merely detained - so I was never arraigned. Therefore the DA has no jurisdiction to release me bike. The jurisdiction reverted back to the police in my case. The guys at the impound have no way of knowing that I wasn't arrested however. They want the DA paperwork, which I'm ineligible to recieve.

So today, I had to go back to the Pier and try to get a sargeant to write a letter saying that I was never arrested and that my bike should be released.

JEG was with me and as soon as we got to the Pier we started getting scared. It was irrational, but we were both afraid that the cops were going to find some reason to throw us back in the clink. The ground was littered with used Flexicuffs and the sight of them made me feel naseous.

The cops told me that by tomorrow or Friday the impound lot wouldn't be requiring the DA papers anymore. Hopefully that's true because I want this to be over.

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